I don’t know who needs to hear this, but here it goes…

Many of you might be surprised to learn that all throughout my 20s, I personally struggled off and on with depression, suicide ideation, severe anxiety, panic attacks, crippling fear, and insomnia.

If you know me and are surprised to learn this, it’s because I CHOSE to hide it.

But I am also choosing to let you know this because I have come through the other side.

When I was 17, I began entertaining self-loathing thoughts. I would often repeat things to myself like “You’re so dumb”; “People just pretend to like you”; and “You’re such a fake”, just to name a few. I don’t know why, but I would find comfort in verbally beating myself up. This self-loathing eventually gave way to depression.

When I was 23, I began ideating suicide. “You’re such a fake” self-talk eventually turned into “You should kill yourself”. Even though I finally had the courage to get diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression several years later, I started seeing psychotherapists to help me sort through my negative thinking.

Then, when I was 26, I had a string of panic attacks. My heart rate became rapid, I momentarily lost vision, it felt as though someone was strangling me, and I heard loud white noises as soon as I tried to close my eyes. Even though this lasted off and on for only a month or so, I had to sleep with the lights on while worship music played in the background. I needed to do this for over a year.

When I was 29, I had a nervous breakdown. At the time, I was believing a lot of lies. Those lies turned into fears; and those fears gave way to nearly two months of insomnia, and eventually, a nervous breakdown. My fear crippled me to the point where I felt as though my legs were constantly being electrocuted by 9V batteries and my head was on fire. In fact, I would often run water through my head, up to 15 times a day, just to cool myself down from the psychosomatic symptoms I was experiencing. It never worked. That’s how bad my fear and anxiety had become. 

The insomnia I experienced also had me pacing on my feet when I should have been asleep in bed. I eventually started walking on the edges of my feet because my heels were sore from never being able to rest them. My hands were also very sensitive to the touch -always wringing them together from the high levels of anxiety I was experiencing.

Eventually, I crashed and went from not sleeping at all to sleeping 16 hours a day. It took me nearly three months to recover healthy sleeping patterns and almost a year to recover emotionally and psychologically from my nervous breakdown. I was 29.

It might sound like I am sharing this to show-off my battle wounds, but I would like to show-off something else: God’s goodness and comfort.

Given my education, family-background, up-bringing, socio-economic-status, and faith values, I somehow felt I should have always been exempt or shielded from ever experiencing any of these very real mental health disorders. Maybe I felt entitled to having a clean slate of mental health. Maybe that’s why I mostly hid it. It could have been my pride or the stigma associated around mental health that made me try to hide my wounds, but I don’t think that’s right either.

This is why I am making the deliberate effort of sharing this. I want you to experience the same comfort I received through God, family, friends, and experts I received in my journey.

I can’t say there was ever a time or day when all of a sudden “BOOM” I was cured. The process was more like, well… a process. Though it was hard at first, I found that on my journey, good mental health was a daily choice. 

I know that doesn’t sit comfortable with everyone, that good mental health is “a choice”, and that’s okay. I can only share about my journey and my process. Yours might look different.

What I do want you to know, however, is that I have been there during those dark nights of the soul. Yes, at times, it was very scary. 

But if you are there now, you don’t have to be scared. 

I share this because if you feel comfortable, you can reach out to me. Would love to hear your story. Yes, I can share with you more of mine (writing a whole book about it), but there’s also power in sharing yours too – right where you are.

I still come face to face with anxiety and fear quite often, but nowhere near the levels I did in my 20s. When anxiety and fear come knocking on my door, I don’t entertain them any more. They are no longer welcomed guests. With God’s help, I contend with them. 

I’m a warrior.

Yes, at one point I was wounded. 

But it’s not my wounds that define me.
It’s my healing that defines me. 

They say hurt people hurt people.
Well, hurt people can heal people too!

I’ve been wounded, both by others, through myself & my own choices, and the fact that we are born into sin (Romans 5:12).

At the same time, I’ve received comfort from God in my afflictions. It is said that we can comfort those in the same ways that we have been comforted (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). 

If you feel alone in your battle, know that you are not alone.

Like me, you too can be a healed warrior.